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May 9, 2013
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“You got OCD or something?” he asked jokingly as I scrubbed away at the utensil no one ever seemed to clean enough.

I laughed. “No, I just really want to get this clean. But I do have depression and anxiety.”

“What’s a pretty, little girl like you got to be depressed about?”

I paused, avoiding his gaze. A small smile found its way to my lips. “That’s a very good question,” I replied in a quiet voice.

He shrugged apologetically. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“No, it’s fine, really.”

He gave me a huge grin. “So what kind of flowers should I get my girlfriend? She really likes pink, but I don’t want to give her anything too cliché.”

For the rest of my shift I tried my best to help him prepare for his date, despite not being experienced in the romantic department at all. My drive home was a silent one. I found myself unable to turn on the radio and sing along cheerfully as I usually do. His question haunted me.

What’s a pretty, little girl like you got to be depressed about?

As I lay in bed, I contemplated this. It really was a good question, one that I would really like to know the answer to. What was it exactly that caused me to reach out and ask for help over two years ago?

Maybe it was that there is nothing pretty or little about my reflection in my eyes. Maybe it was that there was nothing kind about the words I say to myself when I think no one is listening. Maybe it was those dark thoughts that dig their claws into my mind and won’t let go.

But others have it much worse. Are you really worthy of that stigma?

Once again the poison bleeds into my thoughts. Do I really have anything to be depressed about? Am I really deserving of my bimonthly sessions?

Guilt.

Guilt for wanting to get better. Guilt for asking for help. Guilt for being open about my struggles. Is that really something to feel guilty of?

No.

Yes, there are others who need help more than me. Yes, there are those who won’t ever receive the help they need. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t need help either. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have depression.

So what have I to be depressed about?

Well, that’s a very good question.
True story. Or, well, mostly true. That conversation happened several months ago and I don't remember it exactly. But as my favorite English teacher said, "It's not about telling the truth, it's about getting at the truth." Or at least in literature. Don't lie in real life; lying is bad.

This is something I wrestle with on a regular basis. I know that I come from a good home and that people love me. My life really isn't that bad. But knowing those things don't stop the depression and anxiety from happening. Almost three years ago, I got sick of it and asked to be seen by a psychologist. Honestly it was one of the best decisions I have made.

Still, people will get into trying to outdo others with emotional trauma. It makes me sick. A friend on Facebook said something very profound the other day. "Pain is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes what hurts someone else seems stupid and nonsensical to you, but to that person, the pain is very real and very potent. Never scoff at another person's pain." Few statements have been truer.

I try to be really open about my struggles with depression and anxiety because I want people to realize that it's okay to seek help. You are not alone! You don't have to suffer alone. I know it can be scary when you ask for help, but trust me, it is so worth it. It's not a sign of weakness; it's a sign that you are strong enough to realize that you are important and deserve to be healthy.

Anyway, this is just something that came to my mind today and I thought I'd share it.

Stay strong. You are loved! :hug: ~ Sarah
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:icontheburiedgirl:
theburiedgirl Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I get asked something similar very often, or else something along the lines of "there are people worse off than you, so you should be happy!" It indeed increases the guilt and cuts deep.
I just try to come back with - if you are not allowed to be sad because there are others worse than you, arguably no one should be happy because there are always those who are better off than you.
It's quite interesting to see the change in the person's face when they are confronted with that.

Anyway, this was very beautifully written and incredibly relevant. Thank you.
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:icons-e-mercury:
S-E-Mercury Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That is an incredibly profound and amazing point. I will keep it in mind for the future.

Thank you so much for your kind words; I'm glad you liked it :)
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:iconcinniecon:
Cinniecon Featured By Owner May 16, 2013
Very touching, makes me really think about what I struggle with. I always feel like no one wants to listen to my problems, that I might share too much and they'll think I'm wierd or that I really have nothing to complain about but, SERIOUSLY sometimes a girl's just got to talk it out :)
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:icons-e-mercury:
S-E-Mercury Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad that you liked it and it spoke to you. I know exactly where you're coming from. If you ever need an ear to listen (or however that phrase gets changed in the age of technology...), my inbox is always open :)
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:iconcinniecon:
Cinniecon Featured By Owner May 16, 2013
thanks you're so nice, it's because of people like you that people get a second chance :) (wow that was dramatic!!!) Really thanks :)
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:icons-e-mercury:
S-E-Mercury Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome. :hug:
And thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot to me.
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:iconinvestigatorgray:
InvestigatorGray Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I get the point of depression, trust me. And I do get that you don't really like it when you feel like that because of others. I, personally, feel kind of selfish and like a dick when I get depressed. But trust me, sis, I'm right with you.
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:icons-e-mercury:
S-E-Mercury Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't think depression is something people should feel selfish about. Diabetics aren't called selfish for having low blood sugars, why are those who suffer from depression made out to be attention seeking when they exhibit symptoms? And even if someone doesn't have depression to that extent, all humans go through highs and lows. The lows still hurt, no matter how low.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense...

Anyway, stay strong. :huggle:
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:iconinvestigatorgray:
InvestigatorGray Featured By Owner May 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Trust me, I AM the definition of not making sense. Monkey tacos.
But I see what you mean, though. I felt like that, once, because I once completely screwed something up between my friends, and I felt like shit, but I felt selfish, because I kept thinking about how I screwed up, but along with how much I hurt them. It was a bad day.

But yes, always stay strong.
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:iconprothisis911:
prothisis911 Featured By Owner May 12, 2013
thank you.
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